So guys, here we are. New Years Eve for 2018. The year is done. I’m currently preparing my house for a quiet celebration tonight but I knew I needed to take some time to get this one done and out of the way.
2018 for me wasn’t exactly a year I would call a success. I had many successes, but I had more setbacks. Funnily enough, the majority of my setbacks were self inflicted and not exactly unavoidable. Self-sabotage extraordinaire right here. I guess this year had a lot of growth. I had one of my mentally hardest years in the longest time. I had multiple melt downs that lead to stupid ass decisions and stupid ass moments I WISH I could take back. I came close to sabotaging so much good in my world, because for some reason I am of the belief that good does not come to me.
Well, that being said, 2019 is going to be different. None of this New Year, New Me bullshit. 2019 for me is going to be about getting over myself and not being such a victim. I have a bit of a victim mentality. When shit goes wrong, I make the biggest drama humanly possible that it ends up being so much worse than it needs to be. So 2019 is about curbing that behaviour and understanding that I am the Master and Commander of my own destiny. I can’t sit around and wait for the world to fix what is broken, I have to get in there, get my hands dirty and fix what I can for myself, and truly no-one else.
I have big goals for 2019. I’m not making a massive list and tearing myself apart if I don’t achieve them. I am breaking it down month by month and seeing where the wind takes me. I don’t like to be held hostage by deadlines, but I know I am a sucker for structure, so working month by month is simply the best option for me. The goal for January is to just survive. Get through returning to work, my Son entering Grade 3 and getting back on top of the dwindled funds thanks to the Christmas period. This to me is a perfect goal because I am not setting myself up to fail. I’m being responsible with what I know I have to do to make sure 2019 is an actual success, not a shit show.
One of my biggest goals is to get on top of my emotional health. I have suffered severely with Anxiety and Depression this year. My body dysmorphia was in full swing so I need to sort out that shit. I need to get out of my own head and see things for what they really are, and truth be told, they are pretty fucking wonderful. I just need to accept change and be positive for all the little wins! Emotional health is so fucking important, its the only way that physical health can reach its true potential. If your heart is unhappy, how in the hell do you expect it to be physically sound? This is definitely a hard lesson I have had to learn, but I know that my body needs my mind to be happy, or it will never, ever be what it truly can be.
Now normally on New Years, I’m not a celebrator. Truth be told I was secretly hoping for an early night and a early morning start to go to the Coast and do the Burleigh National Park ocean walk. That was my hope. The tables turned though and Husband and his best Man-Friend decided that we must burn the massive bon-fire and eat all of the smoked ribs the world has to offer. I drank more than I ever though I could muster over the last week that I really was looking forward to resting my liver, but I know that will not be the case. I have to deal with my social anxiety and be social and try not to vomit from my pure inability to process social interactions and human interaction. Fun hey? Happy Fucking New Year.
So, as I sit here and write, I have to reflect on the great things that have happened this year and be so god damn thankful for each and every moment, person, experience. I have to be so grateful for my husband, who without him, I would have fallen apart and the pieces would be lost, I am grateful for my best friend, who despite our blue period, has been my light at the end of the tunnel and my pure saviour when I’ve been a brat. I’m grateful for my family, each one of them has given me so much more purpose and reason to be around for the long run. I’m grateful for my Empire Crew, they’ve been my biggest supporter and I cannot imagine a life without their dysfunctional functionality. Last, but certainly not least, I am so fucking grateful for the ones who are in the shadows, throwing shade, judgement and hate. I see you, and I appreciate you. Simply because without your dislike and your constant need to bring me down, I would not be able to rise above. You’ve taught me that I am a force to be reckoned with and I’m a bad ass bitch who is completely capable of rising above the drama and I’m a stronger, better person for doing so.
So, in short, Happy Fucking New Years kids. Have the best night, be safe in the presence of friends and family. Remember that just because January 1 rolls around, everything doesn’t instantly get better. Work for it, work hard and don’t let self doubt ruin your hard work.
Peace out, see you in 2019.
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