Shopping.
Holy shit, I love to shop! It’s one of my favourite past times and I think it’s
safe to say if it were an Olympic sport, your girl would be a gold medalist.
The Mail Man and I are almost on a first name basis and my whole office knows
when he turns up, more often than not it’s something for me..
Truth be told
though, the one thing that gives me heart palpitations is clothes shopping.
Now, I can buy active wear and feel 100% confident in my purchases. I feel like
a lyrca covered queen who is ready to brunch with the best of them in my Active
Wear. Real people clothes though, that’s another story. You see, I struggle
with this condition called “Fat Brain”. In my head, I am much bigger than I
really am. I expect that when I treat myself to a good old shop, I have to buy
2 sizes bigger than what my body requires.
In all
truth, I suffer from Body Dismorphia. I struggle to see what others see. When I
look in the mirror, I see something that no one else does. I see a chunky
monster. I don’t see the woman who has essentially halved in size since the
beginning of my journey. I don’t see what my Husband sees. I don’t accept when
he compliments me. I get awkward and shrug it off with the roll of my eyes and
a tantrum for him telling me what he thinks I want/need to hear. He’s only
telling me the truth, yet my mind says nope, he’s sparing your feelings. It’s a
constant internal battle. Some days I feel amazing in my skin, I see the
changes that I have made and I feel incredible. Other days, I just have to cop
myself on the wrong angle, and I’m down for the count. It’s a fun little game
of who’s coming to play in my mind today.
I have
always struggled with my body image. It’s not an easy thing to overcome when
its been a constant companion. Recently, fat brain thwarted my attempts to buy
an outfit.. I have a cocktail style Christmas Party coming up. None of my
dresses I own fit me anymore, they are all too big. I got a lovely email from
one of my favourite stores.. 30% off, ends tonight! The brightly coloured email
screamed directly in my face, and I answered the call. I found a gorgeous white
lace dress.. Then, the same drama I have every time I go shopping entered my
mind. What size do I buy? My safe size has always been a 14. A 14 keeps my
boobs and booty in check, but was generally large around my waist. So,
naturally, I went for this option. I thought to myself, it will be a bit big,
but it’s better than being too small, am I right? I was so incredibly wrong.
Once again, I have underestimated my progress and this roller coaster ride of a
journey I have been on. I received the dress, I love it SICK, but shock fucking
horror, its too FUCKING BIG! So now I have to go through the process of
returning the damned thing and going down a size because my mind tells me I am
still the same size I have always been… Thanks, bitch.
SO, what’s
the lesson here? Shut down that negative shit your brain likes to feed you.
Constantly tearing yourself apart is only going to hinder your achievements and
take away from all of the rad shit we do in our life. I’m not perfect, my body
isn’t perfect, but it’s a damn sight better than it used to be. I am slowly
learning to accept what I have and I am a massive advocate for body positivity and
acceptance. Even though I’m still learning to love and accept mine, it truly
breaks my heart to think of how much people torture themselves every single day
because we live in a society that seems to be stuck in a time where only
pretty, perfect people deserve to love themselves. The rest of us can only get
the sloppy seconds of self-acceptance and, to be blunt, it’s just not fucking good
enough. Every single person deserves to feel good in their own skin, regardless
of their size, their shape, their colour or their gender. If I may suggest, switch
off social media for a day or 10. This will drastically help improve how you
feel about yourself. Live in the moment, you’ll feel a million times better for
it.
