The Girl of my Dreams

My house is a boys club. I am outnumbered 3:2. I am surrounded by manly energy, musty smells and so much mess coming from most rooms. My only ally is in the form of an attitude filled, jerk of a cat named Ivy. So named after Poison Ivy from Batman, my favourite Femme-Fatale. My Spirit animal. My cat has embodied all aspects of Poison Ivy, so she honours her name-sake. My house is run by my Husband, My son and my Staffy named Bane who has also well and truly earned his name-sake, being the bane of my existence but really he's just misunderstood. They rule the roost with their farts, their fart jokes and their never ending food consumption.

Recently, I have been thinking a lot about the what ifs. You see, my husband and I are steadfast in our decision to have only one child. After a horrific pregnancy and an even more horrific birth which could have very easily resulted in the loss of mine and my sons’ life, we made the decision that our Son will be our last. My Hubby, the supportive and extremely loving man he is, made it perfectly clear that he could never put me through that ever again.  He could not watch me suffer from day one and even to this very day, for the sake of adding to our brood. I have also been very vocal in my decision, that I suffered so greatly and I missed out on so much of my sons young life due to PND and PTSD that I could physically and mentally never do it again.

My son is school aged now, 7.5 years old to be exact. He constantly asks me for a little sister, to which I have to explain every single time that I cannot give him what his heart so desperately wants. Every time I have to do this, my heart breaks just a little bit more. Do I feel like the most selfish asshole in the world? You’re damn right I do, because I know just how good of a big brother he would be if he ever got the opportunity to wear that badge. He is getting to understand a little better now, so the question isn’t ever posed as often as it used to be. I know when the question is coming though, because he will have spent time with a friend and their little sister. I see how much he dotes on any little girl that crosses his path. Just this last weekend, while we were at the park, a little girl got on a rocking swing with him, and he was nothing but gentle with her and asked her questions to keep her interest. He is completely enamored by his Footy team mates little sister, he always has so much time to give her. SO its safe to say when these moments happen, I have to mentally prepare myself for his hurting heart and his wants that I cannot fulfill. I feel like I've robbed him of an opportunity of a life time, to be the best Big Brother out there and that feeling never goes away, it just gets easier to deal with.

I can see it in my husband too. He gives my best friends daughter so much attention, because he knows that will never be his situation. He won’t ever have that daddies little girl moment. That little girl who sees nothing but a super hero and a guiding light coming from her fathers chest. He won’t ever have a little girl who wants to paint his nails and do his make up. Or even have a tea party with stuffed animals and pretend English Breakfast Tea. He won't get to drop her off at her first date and be the dad that gives unspoken fear to her suitor. I can see his heart also aches for the what ifs, but I also know that the words will be left unsaid to save my heart. I can tell you this though, I have absolutely no doubt in my heart that if our tables turned and our minds were changed, that if a little girl chose us to be her guide to this earth side life, she would have the most amazing father to protect her from skinned knees, her brother being an annoying shit head and from Mummy when she needs to brush her hair because she knows that daddy will be so much gentler. 

For me, I think of what I’m going to miss out on. Wearing matching outfits while we go shopping or to breakfast together. Watching all my make up being destroyed by a little girl who wants so badly to be just like her Mummy. Arguing with her over the fact that your shoes need to match and your socks do too, even though Mummy never wears matching socks. The secrets whispered about her boyfriend at school because she knows if she tells Daddy, he will tell her she’s not allowed a boyfriend until she is 50. The advice she would come to me for about her body and why it’s suddenly hairy. Her first heartbreak from a boy or girl who wasn’t ever going to be good enough for her anyway. I wonder who she would look like, but it would likely be her Dad because the Raw genes take over the universe. I would secretly hope she would get my eyes and my nose, so that she has a hint of my family and their heritage.

I am excessively grateful for the family I have. I have a little boy who will indulge me and let me dress us the same, because I am such a tom boy at heart. He lets me buy matching shoes for us. He gives me the best hugs and tells me I’m pretty. He wants me to lay with him when he’s going to sleep, because I think he knows I wasn’t a part of that when he was younger. He’s going to his very first Concert next week with us to see Queens of the Stone Age and I am so bloody excited that he will have his first live music experience with one of my favourite bands, and not one that Dad likes. It’s the biggest parenting competition my Husband and I hold, so I’m winning!

He loves and admires his dad so very much. He wants to be wherever he is, he wants to do whatever he is doing. He wants him to watch his favourite shows with him, even though Dad has seen that same fucking episode at least 5 times that week. He’s playing Rugby League because Dad did and he’s playing at Dads club. He will be his father’s son in every sense. Tall, strong and deep down, kind hearted.

I have accepted that the what ifs will never come to pass. I have grown to accept that the little girl I have visions of in my deepest of sleep is a little girl by the name of Charlotte Rose, who will always be just a dream. But, what a dream it is. In my dreams she will succeed at everything she touches and she will grow to be the most beautiful girl in the world. She will be protected by her Brother at all costs and will want to be a writer, just like me, but she will actually do something about it. She will be fiercely strong because her Dad will have taught her that she is to take no shit from anyone. She will be my baby girl who will remain in my dreams and I can watch her grow from there.