What strength......

I’m defeated. Not in a ‘this feeling shall pass’ defeat, but in a, ‘holy shit how epically did you fail?’ defeat. I’m sitting here thinking to myself, how did I cock up so epically? How did I fail so badly? I’m not very kind to myself in defeat. Truth be told, I will tear myself up about it for a good few days because I am failing to get my head around it all.

Today was strength test day. We have trained for months to improve n our 3 major lifts, Squats, Bench and Deadlifts. It is honestly my favourite type of training, its a true test of your real strength. I had 2 PBs to hit and 1 that I needed to stick because last time, I didn’t get deep enough in my squat for it to count. We prepare for this, we build ourselves up for this, we get so focussed on the end goal. We have numbers to beat and a point to prove. Not to anyone else, but to ourselves, we want to tell our old selves just how much more of a badass we are now, that what we were 5 months ago. It’s a big deal to all of us, we take this shit to heart. We live and breathe test time.

Today, I was walking into my test time with a positive heart and what I thought was my boss bitch attitude. Apparently, I left my boss bitch at the door and brought along Becky instead. Dick. Move. I felt weak from my very first deadlift. I could feel every single muscle in my body saying fucking not today, bitch! I felt off. I felt empty. I kept pushing and come my 3rd and final attempt, I realised the dream was dead and I had fucked up. I swore. I cursed. I tried to keep my gangsta going, but that shit was fading faster than lightning I was extremely disappointed but I knew I had 2 more tests to go. I could redeem myself. I chose bench next. Knowing my last PB was an easy beat because that PB I now do for reps. First lift, brilliant. Great guns, this boss bitch has it. Annnnnnnd that was a no from me. on my 2nd attempt, I bombed. Hard. I was again, weak and sore. I cursed a little louder this time and those prickly hot tears started forming in the corner of my eyes. I was fucking MAD, like furious at how badly I had just failed myself. What was I doing? What was I missing?? How the shit did I fuck this up? I was so defeated but I knew, one more lift to go. I had made my mind up, I wasn’t walking out of The Vault without a PB for the day. I would have been broken.

I knew to take my time with my squats. Really take a breather between each set. From my first squat, I felt strong. I knew then I had this shit in the bag. I knew it was going to happen. 4 weight ranges in, it was time to meet my last PB. I was determined to get that, at the very least. I nailed it and it wasn’t time to stop. I had one more in me. So we wacked on a little more weight and off I went. I could feel my body fighting me, saying, no. Thats enough. I had no choice but to tell it, girl just a little bit more. I could feel my body wanting to stop, but I pushed through and smashed my PB. I was fucking elated and so god damn happy. My happiness however, was marred by my last 2 failings. My mind still cast back to the, what the fuck moment.

I dissected my thoughts and the events leading up to today. I had lacked motivation already. I had so many different emotions running through my head. So many what the actual fuck just happened? moments. Moments of pure rage. My head was not even remotely in the game. I was not as mentally prepared as I normally would be. So the disappointment was beyond real. I haven’t felt that zapped in a long while.

I kind of did the whole self sabotage thing. I am pro at it. I knew in the back of my mind that I should have scaled back training this week so that I could reserve some energy. I didn’t do that. I did a massive Ninja class last night so my body was well and truly cooked! I didn’t take a day to recover and let my body rest because in my mind. It was business as usual. What a fucking stupid move. I know my body well enough to know when it needs to rest and I let it down. I was even going to walk my fucking dog this morning. Thankfully, it was raining. 

So. Why am I so hard on myself? I’m not a competitive person, but I am when it comes to myself though. If I did something well, I need to be sure that the next time, I do it even better. I am always chasing better. Always chasing the next goal. I want to achieve so I can look back and say, I fucking killed it today. I didn’t leave with that feeling and I’m gutted. I seem to be very good at ignoring what I did achieve today. Squatting more than my own body weight, yep, pretty fucking happy with that. But still, the persisting frustration is real. 

I have no silver lining to this story, I’m not going to miraculously break out of this deep fuck with some positive affirmations. I’m going to be defeated for a while. I’m going to lick my wounds and heal my excessively battered ego. ’m going to use that defeat to reflect on why I didn’t perform the way I was expecting. I will use the time to gain some more fuel for my fire, to regroup and come back bigger and better next test. For now though, I will stick with my rage and try not to cut a bitch in between time.

Fear(less)

Fear. What a wonderful little emotion. Fear creates a purpose, a reason. What fear also does is tricks your mind into believing you can't. But how the hell do we move past the fear and start moving towards what is on the other side of that fear?

One of my biggest fears in the world is Spiders. Spiders do things to my emotions that I really don’t think is healthy. They say fear is a product of your environment. Outside influences, like your family and friends are apparently the biggest contributors to your fears. Well then, thats interesting to me, because I’m pretty sure that the Huntsman Spider the size of my palm that came running out of my rollerblade when i was 11, or the Redback Spider that sat on my shoulder while I was writing when I was around the same age have EVERYTHING to do with my fear….. I consider my arachnophobia a fear of purpose. I fear what could actually kill me given that they are poisonous beasts and this wonderful country I live in is full of the poisonous little fuckers! But the other fears I have, do they have a purpose? Or are these fears I have created in my own head because I believe I cannot achieve.

A few years back, I was in to Pole Fitness. I absolutely loved it. I went to classes 3-4 times a week. I was obsessed! I danced for roughly 2 years, and was starting to move into the advanced aspect. The hard tricks. The stuff that you see professional Pole Dancers do in competitions and you think to yourself, super powers must play a part in this madness. Mind you, I wasn’t even remotely that good. I flew by the seat of my pants through most of my Pole career. I would always pull a rabbit out of my hat for grading day. Thats a talent that has taken many years to perfect, mind you!

One night, We were practicing deadlift inverts (ie, no jumping into your invert, you needed nothing but pure strength to get your ass to point north, not south). I was getting pretty good at dead lift inverts, it was bloody hard for me because I have little in the way of upper body strength, but it was something i was determined to nail, so I worked my booty off. On this night, I was having to invert and then caterpillar climb up the pole (upside down climbing is a WHOLE other world). When I was upside down, something happened, something I to this day have absolutely no recollection of. I lost all contact points on the pole, all my life lines that kept me glued to brass, just came unstuck. I hit the ground with such incredible force, head first. How I didn’t cause myself a major injury, i will never know. At first, I didn’t realise what I had done. Then, it hit me when the pain kicked in. I went into full blown shock. My husband had to be called to collect me and take me to get checked for a concussion (i escaped with a bloody big bump on my noggin and a very, very bruised ego).

After my fall, I knew I had no choice but to get back on the saddle. Not let the fall stop me. This worked for a few weeks, but, after a while of suddenly not being able to nail a simple invert, I knew I let my fear take over. Fear has a habit of consuming every aspect of the activity you are taking part in and its exceedingly difficult to switch off fear and get on with the job. I was so disappointed in myself.. I didn’t think I would ever let fear take control of me like that, but I did, and I was absolutely livid. It wasn’t long after that I decided to hang up my 8 inch heels for good. That was the ultimate let down. I lived and breathed Pole Dancing. I flew to Melbourne to compete, I was mastering heel clacks, I was almost Fanny to the Floor in my splits, for Christ sake! I let my fear take away the one extra-curricular activity that I was truly passionate about, and its definitely something I probably wont ever let myself forget.

Fast forward to now. Ninja class at Empire. Its a gangsta testing, ass whooping of a class that focusses on grip strength, upper body strength and moves that you see on those amazing shows like Ninja Warrior. We were learning how to do German Pull-ups…. German pull-ups which required me to be upside down. My brain went fucking ballistic!!!! I was already having visions of dropping straight on my head. With the support of my Coach, I somehow managed to flip myself upside down. I was hanging on by my knees and iron gripped fists. I don’t think I have ever held on to something so tight in my life. I wasn’t coming off for anyone. After my first few attempts, and getting over the mild panic attack, I realised what I had done. i had begun to conquer a fear. A  fear that stopped me from doing something I loved. Now, months on from my very first upside down experience in years, I am hanging upside down with no fear, I am standing on my head for minutes at a time and I can finally acknowledge what I've done. I have overcome fear.

There is a song by one of my favourite bands and there is a line that really sticks with me, Fear is the hand that pulls your strings, and its true. Fear is the main contributor to what we do and don’t do in our lives. If you have a fear of flying (I also have one of these, bloody hell, I’m a good time….) you don’t go on soul searching adventures, or even short flights to a new city, if you have a fear of the ocean, you will miss out on a world of wonder and beauty. If you have a fear of failure, will you take that leap into a new direction, probably not. You will stay tied down to boring and mediocre because of the what ifs. If you fear judgement, you spend your days consumed by the idea that people are judging your every move and picking apart the very edges of you. Generally speaking, the people who you think are judging you, are more often than not thinking the Exact. Same. Thing.

Think about this, what if you do fail? Well, you just try again. Failure is nothing to fear. Failure gives us purpose, it gives us stories to tell, it gives us reason to keep trying to do better. Its healthy to be a little scared of the what ifs. The what ifs breathe life into the mediocre and give our days a little more excitement and pizzaz!

I challenge you to do something that you fear. Strike up conversation with a stranger, book a short flight to another city, go snorkelling. If you consistently let your fear control you, you will come to the end of your days with a sense of regret and the “what ifs” lingering in the background, reminding you of the things you had complete control over, that you let control you. My challenge to you also extends as a challenge to myself. I challenge myself to let go of fears that have held me back from achieving so much more. I challenge myself to let go of hate. I challenge myself to show myself some love and appreciation. I challenge myself to book that damn holiday to New Zealand. You only live once, do you want to get to the end of your days and say I wish I did more, or do you want to say, that was one hell of a ride......